Rethinking Birth

29 Aug

I know twelve friends/ acquaintances (do old friends on Facebook count as acquaintances?) who are pregnant. TWELVE! Something is definitely in the water.
With all of these baby showers, nursery makeovers, and gender reveals going on…I am definitely getting a slight case of baby fever. Let me emphasize SLIGHT.
I find myself thinking that now is a perfect time to get pregnant with baby #2. We do, after all, want our children to be somewhat close in age.

But to be honest, that’s where my “baby itch” stops. Right at the thought of it. When I think of giving birth again, I always tell myself “never again!”. It wasn’t the act of giving birth, it was everything that went into it: being overdue, back labor, LONG labor, the Pitocin, the epidural, severely tearing (the worst thing of them all. Took 6 months to heal!), and feeling out of control of my birth. The more I have been thinking about it and relive those almost 40 hours of labor/ delivery, the more I realize I have some major issues that I have to hash out with myself before I have another baby. I feel very cheated of a beautiful and natural birth experience and I wonder all the time what could have been done differently.

Many people say that you just have to jump back on the horse and no two births are alike….but I am TERRIFIED of having to have another hospital birth and going through that healing process again. I prayed SO hard for Abbie’s birth to be natural and drug-free, but I feel like everything was backwards. Nothing went the way we hoped and prayed it would ….and I don’t see God’s reasoning behind any of it (not that I have to….He is in complete control. Don’t get me wrong!).

I’ve been watching a lot of natural birth documentaries and that is helping me understand more of what “went wrong” with Abbie’s birth. I could have relaxed a lot more in the beginning of labor, I could have gotten less “membrane strips”, I could have exercised more, I could have rested more in early labor, etc, etc. I think I will just drive myself crazy thinking about all of the things that could have gone better. And if I continue getting jealous of all my friends who have wonderful birth stories…that will drive me crazy as well. And jealousy rots the bones (Proverbs 14:30 “A heart at peace gives life to the body , but envy rots the bones”).

Anyway. This is just me, thinking out loud, and thinking about our next child (if God grants us one).

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